24 Jan 2021 Updates

Hello from another week I could not gather myself around having a life other than work and some obsessions. My edges are still sharp. It is windy outside, gray and there are rain drops at my windows.

My subscription to Rosetta Stone has been wrong, somehow application managed to get the full access on French. – Is this a sign? So whole week spent to fix this problem. German progression of the week is ZERO.

I am still 76, this is what happens when you eat what you want whenever you want. ZERO!

I had couple of crying attacks, I was really down and mum called me, she got mad at me that I am tired and exhausted. She got sick of me being like this. I am sick of it too but yelling about it does not make it any better. That’s how I got caught up in a crying spree. No-one was available, so I wrote to Danny. He is there for me and he cares, from miles away he helped me to stop crying. He even checked up on me on the following days put a smile on my face. After 9 years finally he figured out how to handle me I guess 🙂 I spent some time with Ece as well, we had a sleep over at her place and we watched a movie. Her energy is good. I need positive people more than ever.

I started to read Fahrenheit 451 last night after whole day of cleaning laundry and personal care. I am adding more Neil Gaiman into my reading list. This is a slowly progressing work to write but at least it is compatible with my reading habit and research.

I put a nicotine patch on my chest and I spent whole day itching everywhere, it did not stop my craving for cigarettes, it was at he end of the day that I felt it might be working. Looks like it will be built on my own will, patches are not so reliable.

Now I think I need to remind myself about this unreasonable obsession; that would not work even if everything goes better than current reality. There is too much rebound emotion that I am not willing to sign up for. Waiting for these emotions are resolving is not my thing. Life is short and I am done waiting for people. I knew there are topics that bothers me, it was bothering me more not to speak up about those. Even though I speak up as a joke seems like my jokes are not very welcome. I can not hold my thoughts inside, if I need to, why would I be in some sort of communication with anyone? I do that at work, can not do that anywhere else. So I am gonna let this one go, I need my peace of mind.

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