14 FEB 2021 Updates

It has been two weeks, last week I did not feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like anything now either but here I go, at least I can do is to write and get it out of my head. Btw happy forking valentines day! I am officially burnt out. I don’t know how nobody cares what’s going on, there is something I can not understand I guess some hidden agenda of people. I hope their lack of attention does not come and bite me in my ass. I am worried. I don’t know how to get through this. I feel good if I take a break for like 12 hours but then it comes back when I think it is starting again. I need to stop caring and focus on having a life. I cleaned out my Instagram I felt like I am too exposed and I don’t want people’s drama. I am annoyed with every single bit of work and work related things. It is probably my fault. I have intentions to do a perfect job and it is not helping me out. I was always fearing that I will be unemployed, that fear drives me crazy probably. It is hard to be an independent woman. You have more concerns than others. I acknowledge that fear and prevent it to get in my way. My work balance is shit and I have decided to change that. So far it not going great I am just considering that maybe I choose wrong path of life maybe it is about my perception of the work. My line manager says that’s my development area I should not think. I need to work on that and take myself as a priority.

I am not in the mood of learning a new language, I feel exhausted that I don’t wanna exercise. I am smoking like a chimney. I have not read anything.. I found a micro masters that is affordable and would be better addition to my CV which is smart idea. I have enrolled myself last week to see if I manage to go through the course material. I could not. I need to organize my week and do the things that is for me. It is a challenge.

This shit storm will be over. This is the best I can do as an individual contributor. I will see what will come out of it. Then I will see what I am going to take, how long it will take.

What I want is to get out of this country, earn more money, to be promoted.

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