Title falan yok.

Yine aşırı tersimden kalktığım bir gün. Pazar, insanların uyumayı evde rahatlamayı kendi hallerinde olacakları bir gün. Peki bugun ben ne yapıyorum? Slide hazırlıcam, amk işleri asla bitmiyor. Uyanır uyanmaz okuduğum mail efsane. Rejected, rejected. 1 tanesi yetmezmiş gibi 2 tane arka arkaya. eyvallah. sonra neden buraya sıkışıp kaldın diye hissediyosun?! Bi yanım kalmak istiyor, herşeyin rutin devam etmesini istiyor, diğer yanımsa ha hepsi bu mu olacakların hepsi bu kadar mı? Tüm ihtimaller bu kadar mı diyip attraksiyon peşinde. Yavaş yavaş kabullenmem gerekiyor, olacakları olmayacakları. Belli ki bazı şeyler olamayacak..

Düşünüp düşünüp içinden çıkamıyorum ya, işte içimden gelen tüm ihtimalleri elemine etmek. Sanırım kafayı böyle rahat ettiricem. Belli bi zaman dilimi koyucam kendime. February 2022 artık bu zaman. 2 senenin dolmasını bekleyeceğim. Ne olursa olsun diyeceğim burda olanlara. Çok fazla kastırtmayıp müdahele etmeyip yorumlarda bulunmayıp kendi halime takılıcam. Her zaman daha önceden nasıl yaşıyorduk şimdi ne değişti diye sorup duruyorum kendime, değişen şeyleri ortadan kaldıracağım. Yılların bana kattığı ne kadar saçmalık varsa hepsini çıkaracağım hayatımdan. Bir süre kendime odaklanıcam. Ben ben ben diye gidecek. Kendine odaklanmak ve bunu kendi kendine yapmak büyük bir güç istiyor. Yataktan kalkmak,evden çıkmak, birşeyler yapmak. Yalnızlığımla barışmak. Herşeyi sessizce halletmem gerekiyor. Sessizliğin vermiş olduğu bir his var, enerji ve kuvvet var.

Birşeylerin sürüncemede kalmasından aşırı yoruldum.

27 March Updates

Hello Everyone!!! What a weird life this is!

The inspection is over finally over. And I am waiting for the aftermath. I am up and down! In my therapy of last week I had realized very deep things about my family. How we see each other. The perspective was very interesting to see. I am still thinking that the life is dull and there is nothing worthy. I am in a big emptiness. Somehow I care less about it and I am running back and forth between the activation energy to do something about it or sitting on my ass. Discipline is a bitch! I know what to do but there is something holding me back like I lost my faith. Does it matter? I know I gotta take better care of myself and organize this nutshell. When will I get around to that????

14 MARCH Updates

Wow, it has been a month! It was a crazy month and it was more like an emotional roller coaster. I knew I was not doing great, I took some significant measures! It even felt good to make the decision. And I cried a lot in the session. We laugh about that a lot with Zep 🙂 I feel better and more energized! Still there are things annoying me but somehow it helped me to not to care so much. I am waking up around 5 AM does not matter when I sleep. It is really interesting. I was always thinking joining the 5 AM Club looks like it is finally happening! I craved for salad the other day, and cigarettes does not taste the same. My bitch hippocampus needed that a lot I guess. Shrinky little bitch! I need to facilitate these early days for my self. Not in a organized way but somehow in a way that it helps me to get better places in life. Inspection will be over soon. Last week is ahead hopefully. Then I will rest and enjoy my free time.

Hope next week will be better 🙂

Bye!

14 FEB 2021 Updates

It has been two weeks, last week I did not feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like anything now either but here I go, at least I can do is to write and get it out of my head. Btw happy forking valentines day! I am officially burnt out. I don’t know how nobody cares what’s going on, there is something I can not understand I guess some hidden agenda of people. I hope their lack of attention does not come and bite me in my ass. I am worried. I don’t know how to get through this. I feel good if I take a break for like 12 hours but then it comes back when I think it is starting again. I need to stop caring and focus on having a life. I cleaned out my Instagram I felt like I am too exposed and I don’t want people’s drama. I am annoyed with every single bit of work and work related things. It is probably my fault. I have intentions to do a perfect job and it is not helping me out. I was always fearing that I will be unemployed, that fear drives me crazy probably. It is hard to be an independent woman. You have more concerns than others. I acknowledge that fear and prevent it to get in my way. My work balance is shit and I have decided to change that. So far it not going great I am just considering that maybe I choose wrong path of life maybe it is about my perception of the work. My line manager says that’s my development area I should not think. I need to work on that and take myself as a priority.

I am not in the mood of learning a new language, I feel exhausted that I don’t wanna exercise. I am smoking like a chimney. I have not read anything.. I found a micro masters that is affordable and would be better addition to my CV which is smart idea. I have enrolled myself last week to see if I manage to go through the course material. I could not. I need to organize my week and do the things that is for me. It is a challenge.

This shit storm will be over. This is the best I can do as an individual contributor. I will see what will come out of it. Then I will see what I am going to take, how long it will take.

What I want is to get out of this country, earn more money, to be promoted.

30 JAN 2021 Updates

Guten Morgen!! Another week that I have not done anything for learning German! Congrats to me!

I am still 76 but I have done some 2 freeletics exercises and I have been having sour legs whole week. It seems like working! This week my aim is 3 and maybe I should start going to my gym in the next weeks. My work schedule is getting crazy as if it was not crazy at all. And I need to take care of my eating otherwise it will not work at all. I just got an appointment from my dietician for today. I will go to office all days next week and restaurants are not working thus I need help. I will get this done till this summer. This belly will go away! I also got an appointment from dermatologist and dentist too.

This week I did not have any attacks, thank god, my red nail polish riot is still on and it will continue till I got my revenge. I need to be patient for everything, it takes time.

I haven’t finished Fahrenheit 451, this weekend I will! I finished painting my tables and fixed my new work equipment. I got some flowers too! It gives me a bit of happiness when I see them. I fixed my finances too but I need to put my credit card away.

I am still smoking I did not even try to put the patches this week. But I realized that I do not want to smoke after a workout! Maybe I should work out more 😀

This week I am doing better, I will try to stick to it. Let’s see!

24 Jan 2021 Updates

Hello from another week I could not gather myself around having a life other than work and some obsessions. My edges are still sharp. It is windy outside, gray and there are rain drops at my windows.

My subscription to Rosetta Stone has been wrong, somehow application managed to get the full access on French. – Is this a sign? So whole week spent to fix this problem. German progression of the week is ZERO.

I am still 76, this is what happens when you eat what you want whenever you want. ZERO!

I had couple of crying attacks, I was really down and mum called me, she got mad at me that I am tired and exhausted. She got sick of me being like this. I am sick of it too but yelling about it does not make it any better. That’s how I got caught up in a crying spree. No-one was available, so I wrote to Danny. He is there for me and he cares, from miles away he helped me to stop crying. He even checked up on me on the following days put a smile on my face. After 9 years finally he figured out how to handle me I guess 🙂 I spent some time with Ece as well, we had a sleep over at her place and we watched a movie. Her energy is good. I need positive people more than ever.

I started to read Fahrenheit 451 last night after whole day of cleaning laundry and personal care. I am adding more Neil Gaiman into my reading list. This is a slowly progressing work to write but at least it is compatible with my reading habit and research.

I put a nicotine patch on my chest and I spent whole day itching everywhere, it did not stop my craving for cigarettes, it was at he end of the day that I felt it might be working. Looks like it will be built on my own will, patches are not so reliable.

Now I think I need to remind myself about this unreasonable obsession; that would not work even if everything goes better than current reality. There is too much rebound emotion that I am not willing to sign up for. Waiting for these emotions are resolving is not my thing. Life is short and I am done waiting for people. I knew there are topics that bothers me, it was bothering me more not to speak up about those. Even though I speak up as a joke seems like my jokes are not very welcome. I can not hold my thoughts inside, if I need to, why would I be in some sort of communication with anyone? I do that at work, can not do that anywhere else. So I am gonna let this one go, I need my peace of mind.

Updates 17 JAN 2021

There is snow outside, neighborhood is white and quite. Tori Amos-Winter is on in the background. My internet connection is shit I feel kinda alone and that’s why I am writing. I need to get things out of my head and I constantly need to check on myself. It is peaceful now, moment of realization. I have been thinking about human connections. Research says it makes people happier, live longer. Genuine ones are hard to built for someone who is self-conscious most of the time. While I am thinking the moment is gone. I need to get out of my head too, not just my thought.

For the self check part, I am still 76 kgs. I was just able to get 1 session of yoga, due to lock down and snow and workload, there is no time to run or no will. Maybe I should activate my freeletics account sinc eI am always at home??

I changed my mind about French, it it just too hard to pronounce and there is not much of a usage for me in future I guess. I will keep studying German which is more convenient in many ways. Rosetta Stone? Babble? We will see..

I have not touched any of my books they are just being dragged in home from places to places as if there is so many places to be dragged… I will get to it today because it is a perfect weather to read a book.

I still smoke and haven’t reduced amount a bit, I am stressed. I will get to it this week more, I need to focus on that and get a tooth cleaning.

For the scenario I have been watching dystopia movies and series. I am going to do a deeper research on Stephan King and Joe Hill. Locke&Key was great but it could be done a bit better at some places in my thought.

All that said, I have to start living each day and do something for myself. I should not let work get the best of me. And I should stop thinking about human connections, they are not a good investment and I have been always a lonely wolf.

I need me, everyday. It is time to wake up the wolf.

2021 Plans

After quick grocery shopping.

The shopping has been done and some stuff has happened in the last day of 2020.

Now it is the first day of the year and I already messed up my sleeping routine. What a lovely beginning but it was worth it, believe me 🙂

So.. this year it will be all about me, what I want to achieve in my life.

SMART is an acronym that stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Therefore, a SMART goal incorporates all of these criteria to help focus your efforts and increase the chances of achieving your goalSMART goals are: Specific: Well defined, clear, and unambiguous.”

  1. QUIT SMOKING: Current 20, Target 0. Get help with the patches. Target achieve date is 30 JAN 2021.
  2. FINISH A BOOK PER WEEK: This is a constant target per week until there is none unread book at home and hopefully a life time habit. Will update the number here.
  3. LOSE WEIGHT: Current 76, Target 60. Gap 16. 4 Per month, Target achieve date is 30 APR 2021.
  4. PLAN 3-4 DAYS OF ACTIVITY PER WEEK: Running and yoga. 30 days of yoga with Adriene. The other 622 videos. Running method will be updated.
  5. LEARN FRENCH: 90 mins for 5 days per week. Set an alarm.
  6. START the SCNEARIO: Do your research for dystopia. First read the book about scenario writing then apply the methodology into your idea. Get it done by June 2021. Finalize it on your birthday.

2020 Evaluation

Gosh, where to begin?

This will be a monthly index as far as I remember.

In the beginning of January I was unemployed and living anxiety of future, thinking what’s going to happen. I had weird coincidences and I did not even know it till my bestie enlightens me. Gossip saves lives sometimes! Otherwise I would be waiting, thinking what I did wrong in reality it is not about me. People have unreasonable choices especially people with unsatisfied lives, it has nothing to do with me. It is my luck that I have been crossed with that woman second time in my career. Lesson learnt: Don’t dwell on such cases. Later I had an interview and I got an advice to be open for tricky questions which is way easier for me to do because I kinda suck at playing politics. Lesson learnt: Honesty is the best policy with a humble attitude. You can explain anything if counterpart is willing to listen and talking to right people at the right time has great influence.

February was cool, I have went to Davraz and had great time with family and friends and surprised mom on her birthday. Then I start a new job with wish of encountering reasonable people 🙂 Look at this, being reasonable is such a basic principle in life yet it is quite hard to find since people are not grown up, have their personal motives and human life has no worth in their agenda even though they are working each day to contribute to enhance human lives. What an irony! It is not surprising that my overly analytic brain can not cope with this. Lesson learnt: Always have time for fun no matter how uncertain the situation is. And you can only wish for “good people” and that just luck.

March was overwhelming, I was in the middle of a data base lock and getting used to new environment and schedule than PANDEMIC happens! Lovely! Uncertainty I adore! Once again everyone speaks of their mind and all the predictions what is going to happen made me look away. There is no help of speculating future because it is unpredictable. Now it has been 9 months and it is not getting any better. I was not expecting any less from this sick world. (Pun intended 🙂 )

April was a lot of cooping up with the changed order and it put almost everyone in a mindset out of the box. Many things happened that I expect to happen in years ahead, so finally people got some sense of reason which is a good side of pandemic. Work still goes on even if you don’t get to office. It also multiplies like 3 fold and it is still running on resilience and vigilance of some strong minded people.

May was all about finding the documents. Here and there. It can be quite annoying diving through someone else’s mess which is a trend of 2020. It started in may. The awareness I got after this year and when I look at retrospectively made me realize that do not be willing to put the extra effort to be in good graces, because if it is one it becomes 100 in no time. And it does not pay back. Unfortunately.

June was my birthday, when I go through the videos of my birthday I just see that I am tired. I have no wish other than not losing my loved ones and no one messing with my peace. Is not it weird that I do not have any other wishes? How come I became such a person? Then it got me thinking what’s going on in my life. Voila finally, I started to think about myself.

July was kinda happy and a lot of travelling; I always wanted a pet, a cat but a cute calm one. I am so happy that I got my fur ball Hamur. People practice their faith by sacrificing animals I practice it saving this little one. Apparently I cant save humanity coz people suck, this is my way of comforting myself being useful as a cat mom 🙂 Lesson learnt: There is no harm in putting effort for something makes you happy 10 folds back. Have a space for spontaneity.

August was a milestone, I have met some new people. I can not tell it is good or bad since relationships are like walking on a blade. You never know which side you will fall on and where it will hurt you. Does not matter which side it will hurt sooner or later. People will reveal their true selves once this happens. My wish for 2020 was not to meet with people on this level yet destiny has its own intriguing ways. Rest of 2020 I was in the process of getting to know true selves of some. Got my conclusion as of today. Also, remember, I said that I has started to think about myself and it got me 2 months to get to see a dietician to lose weight. When it comes to me, looks like I have plenty of time to achieve what I want which is a total lie. Life is short and you have limited amount of time in this world. I need to be more prompt for the things I want for myself. Lessons learnt!

September was a beginning of a shit show. I can not got into details after all I spent 4 months protecting my grounds through it while it is becoming a shit storm. As ISFJ personality type I am always giving way more than deserved time energy into something I care about .I finally realized there is no reciprocity. And there will be none since this is order of the world and it is rare to find. And I am just a nut in a nutshell who has no better luck than anyone else. You will be judged with your only mistake and other people’s perspectives no matter what you have achieved. And I have seen enough that there is no consequence of these mistakes for others thus there is no reason to fear. People get away with things by playing the fool. And it is more sustainable! I prefer not go in that path because I am not a mediocre fool, it is neither honest nor ethical yet all the things happened drags me here. I can not take back the time I put, I can not undone the work I have done but if this gives me peace of mind, I will be the happies fool. Biggest lesson got from 2020 and all the experience I have comes to this; Stay in your predefined lines, and stay off the grid. And I am going to do as it pleases me, make it count for the times I have already given.. There is comfort in mediocrity.

Life in a nutshell

I am here to keep a journal regarding what is going on this nutshell, my life. It is a nutshell because I am feeling stuck and I think everyone is kinda stuck somewhere due to pandemic. I am losing the sense of anything is possible, life got me understand that this is not real. I accept it even though it bothers me great deal especially at nights. I need a way out. So this is it!

#zerotohero